Cherish Every (other) Moment

Today I was reading a Facebook post by a stay-at-home mother of three who was expressing that while she felt so blessed to have her three children (5 yrs, 2 yrs and 6 mos), she was feeling overwhelmed by it all. She expressed that being needed ALL of the time was draining and that she was struggling to find the energy to continue breastfeeding.

Her post really brought me back. While I only have two children, I remember the days of juggling the demands of breastfeeding a baby and keeping up with a busy toddler. I remember life in survival mode where it was all about getting enough sleep just to function, enough food to stay alive, and enough down time to remember that you don’t even remember what you enjoy doing anymore, aside from kissing chubby cheeks and eliciting jubilant giggles.

On this mother's raw and honest post someone commented, “Be thankful you have kids as there are so many women who can’t have kids, and so many who have lost their kids. Think about it when you are complaining about yours.”

WOW! That got me downright angry, and I’ll tell you why. As a society we perpetuate such an idea of euphoria for motherhood that we are telling young moms that they are wrong for feeling anything other than joy at any given time. We tell them “Cherish every moment” or “It’s the most rewarding job you’ll ever have.” If given the choice between my worst mommy moment ever or losing my children all together then, yes, I will live for all eternity in that moment - but what kind of Stephen King book are we living? I do NOT cherish every moment. I can’t think of another way to ensure postpartum depression then to tell a mother who is struggling that she will miss those days and should cherish every moment. I’m so glad people didn’t tell me that when I had cracked and bloody nipples, when my toddler broke my favorite coffee mug, when they both fell asleep on me, and I had to pee so bad I was crying but too afraid to move lest I should wake one of them up when we all had the flu and no one had slept in days. 

Yes, it is worth it! Yes, I am grateful! But the mentality that every moment is euphoric and will be missed or that a mother should never have a bad day because some can’t have children or have lost children is not based in reality. Would you tell someone who broke their foot that they should cherish that pain because some people have no legs?

Motherhood is a sacrifice. Some days you literally sacrifice EVERY moment and in so doing it can be challenging to cherish it. It is not supposed to be easy. It is hard! Some people may find more joy and less sacrifice. Even some moms will boast of how much they enjoy bonding as if it is a badge of how much you love your child. A true badge is to continue to do what’s best when it’s unpleasurable, when there is no joy, when it is only sacrifice.

If you are a mother who has enjoyed the baby stage, who has truly cherished each moment, who finds her role completely rewarding that is beautiful, and I am truly happy for you - but if not, that’s fine. The lack of sacrifice does not prove the presence of love. Our love for our children is not measured by our favorite pastimes. It's okay to love and hate it. It’s okay to wish it was over and know that you’ll miss it. It’s okay to cry and wonder what you would be doing that evening if you weren’t sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's.

If I were to give one piece of advice to a new Mom, it would be this: “How you feel does not measure your love for your child, what you do does.” I have held a sick and crying baby at 3am and felt angry at him. I have even cried “You ruin EVERYTYHING!!!” as I steamed up the bathroom so he could breath enough to nurse.

As our children get older and we are more rested, we have a better perspective on parenting. We can look back on those times and surely miss how safe they were in our arms and how simple our problems seemed, but in the moment we are tired - completely drained - and we don’t get to know that everything turns out okay.

Stop telling new Moms to cherish every moment and that it’s the most rewarding job they’ll ever do. Good Lord, mowing a lawn is more rewarding than parenting - at least in the short term. It will change you, it will grow you, it will make you. You will sacrifice more of yourself than you ever knew you had, and still feel guilty that you didn’t have more to give. But motherhood will also bless you far beyond what you ever dreamed possible.

On that same post where a mother shared her struggles another mother posted “I think we have the most responsibility because we’re the most blessed and that’s incredible and terrifying all at the same time.” How true!

The myth that we can’t be grateful and overwhelmed at the same time is hurting mothers who feel there’s something wrong with them if they are not enjoying every single bit of motherhood.

I am grateful to be a mother. I love my children more than I love myself, and that should be self-evident by the fact that sometimes I have to give up my own happiness for theirs. If someone gave you a treasure chest with 500 pounds of gold and you had to carry it 100 miles to your boat, there would be days you thought about leaving it there. There would be days that you felt sore and exhausted and felt like it was too much to carry. There would be days when you wished that someone else could carry it for you. There would be days that you would be overwhelmed by how difficult it is to carry this treasure and, yes, there would be days that you would be overwhelmed by how grateful you are that it's yours.

I am blessed, I am overwhelmed, I am grateful, I am exhausted, I am in love, I am scared, I am happy, I am sad, I am incredible, I am guilty, I am fierce, I am weak, I am human, I am Mom!